Monthly Archive for September, 2009

The Road to Omaha: Part 3

The red haired kid in his early 20s said he was from, “the City.” He pondered what that meant out here, next to a white picket farmhouse on a baseball diamond built in a cornfield, and corrected himself: “I’m from New York.” The three guys shagging balls in the outfield (one Dodgers jersey, one Cardinals, one Rockies) said they came from Queens. I was on the road to Omaha from New Jersey.

So it was that a handful of young people voluntarily drove into the middle of an Iowa cornfield, into the past, to play baseball with people they had never met before. In Dyersville, IA, off of US-20, we came to see the Field of Dreams, and I’m glad we did.

There is a certain quality of roadside stop that compels you to turn off as soon as you see it. It has that magical combination of quirky interest and easy accessibility. It is America, wrapped in cheese cloth and packaged in brown paper tied with string, and it is what I’ve sometimes missed those months I’ve lived outside the US and A.


You could say I "Still Got It"

You could say I "Still Got It"

Pretty sky, pretty stand

Pretty sky, pretty stand

Such sights are one of the reasons I eschewed the normal westbound stalwart, I-80, in favor of a smaller two lane highway, US-20, on my way across Iowa to Omaha, NE. My choice would be vindicated again a few miles down the road from Ray Cansella’s field (the site of a major motion picture for anyone that hasn’t caught on yet. Amazing, but true, Kevin Costner was a movie star!).

The sign said: Cedar Rock 7. Luckily, I quickly read Frank Lloyd Wright beneath this, and some dormant synapses fired just in time to make a hard right and dash off the exit onto a country road at fantastically dangerous speed.

It's so....Red....I wish I had one

It's so....Red....I wish I had one

Cedar Rock was awesome, and the recipient of a coveted Red Tile, which Frank elected not to give to any of his other Iowa designs. Basically, the Red Tile meant that the owners ceded total control to FLW. For his part, Frank went far over budget, methodically hand picked every item, from the flatware up, that went into the house, chastised the homeowners for moving a flower vase when he once stopped by unannounced, and mandated that the house be kept in its original form in perpetuity.

But it’s such a sweet house, built into the very earth of the hill it sits on. Flowers poke through dirt in the living room’s center where the floor tiles abut, forming a volunteer planter with a direct line to Iowa.

It was also obviously a raging swinger’s pad. The owners, Lowell and Agnes Walter, had no children, and everything about the house, from the many interconnected, low-slung, pieces of furniture, to the floor to ceiling windows pointing the way to the private boat house, screams, “Wife swap in…3, 2, 1…” There is wood and brick everywhere, and I loved it.

Look at those faces! Kinky freaks before their time

Look at those faces! Kinky freaks before their time

Unfortunately, due to the combined powers of Moonlight Graham and Austin Powers’ house, I had to forgo the Bridges of Madison County, my final intended movie-themed stop on my tour of Iowa. I also blinked and missed Des Moines. Literally. I saw the sign, sort of let my mind wander, waiting for a skyline, looking at the fuel gauge moving toward empty, and then felt really weird five minutes later when I couldn’t recall seeing anything. It was almost like I had slipped into a brief diabetic coma from all the Starburst and Blow Pops I’d been consuming. At least I made it to Omaha without incident.

My future apartment, in the delightful neighborhood of Benson, will allow me to finally realize my dream of living above a bar and regularly seeing bands I had never heard of before buying a ticket. If you think that future blog posts won’t be written from inside The Slow Down’s walls, then you simply don’t know me. Until then, I’m staying temporarily at my landlord’s girlfriend’s apartment. Fittingly, the place kind of looks like a motel, and comes equipped with cats, an organic garden, and the nicest homeowner, Beth, I could hope to meet.

To prepare for my first night, I stopped by the No Frills Mart to buy some food. From the neck tattoos to the lycra-stretching obesity, it was a half hour lecture on my new Midwestern home come to life. The woman ahead of me paid with foodstamps. If you think I’m judging, you don’t know how little they pay writers these days. I was jealous.

I bought some avocados that were seconds from going off for .67 cents each, a dozen possibly infected eggs for .96 cents, and two boxes of macaroni and cheese for .33 each, or .25 each if I had purchased a mere 10. Returning to Beth’s house, I raided the garden, finding fresh onions, tomatoes, and cilantro. I also found red chiles, and instantly burned my mouth and most of my face trying to taste them. Eventually, I got all the ingredients together with a golf ball of a lime, also purchased sans Frills, and managed to throw together a surprisingly good guacamole.

We sautéed some oil and tortilla into fresh chips, and opened a bottle of white wine, supposedly grown in our very own state of Nebraska. Mick, owner of my future dwelling and boyfriend to Beth, made a fire in the backyard pit. An avid hunter, he had brought over peppers stuffed with prong-horned antelope. I’m normally a fish eating vegetarian, but much as first experience with horse meat in Mongolia, I found the idea of devouring a rare and foreign animal too hard to pass up. The rule, as always: if I have no idea what an animal looks like or tastes like, I’ll absolutely eat it.

I sat and ate, as the fire burned and the sun set over the rim of the horizon. Wine glass in hand, I realized that I had finally made it to Omaha. The road was over.

Road's over! Time to take shmanly flower pics

Road's over! Time to take shmanly flower pics

You could say that there are many periods in a life. The people who usually keep track of them are called authors, and so we call these periods chapters. I am starting a new chapter, after a protracted period of aimlessness, in a new and surprisingly exciting destination.

As the sweet lime balanced the chile in my mouth. I sat recalling the taste of meat, never as unpleasant as I expect it to be after a long period away. When in a contemplative mood, it’s strangely possible to project the quality of your life well into the future. When you are young, these projections range from booooring (most summers) to can’t wait (freshman year of college). You can even do it as an adult. If you’re working a job you hate, you become complacent to the fact that life will probably verge on highly unpleasant for the next six months.

As you grow older, it actually becomes possible to have long stretches of time, years even, that don’t really work out as you plan. You protect their quality, and become strangely confused when it all goes horribly wrong.

I had a friend recently ask me, “When exactly did I lose control?” It’s hard to say for sure. It comes and goes. The sun set, the fire dying, in a new city with new friends doing a job where I set all my own rules, I find it hard to project my life for much more than a few hours at a time. But I’m fairly certain I’m entering one of those good periods, the kind you can see coming from a mile away (give or take 1500 miles). I’ll share it with you.

The Road to Omaha: Part 2

The majestic Inianapolis skyline, as seen from Mars

The majestic Indianapolis skyline, as seen from Mars;

I’d passed by Indianapolis just enough times to feel a strange compulsion, some might say a need, to stop.

Being on the road again early after the trip from New Jersey to Columbus, OH, I pulled into a city known only for dense Americana–i.e. football and Indy racing–around noon. It’s then that I begin to realize that not every US city is an ideal place to pass time with no friends, money, or destination.

Not knowing what to do for the afternoon, I was easily lured in by the museum’s promise: “Admission, Parking, Wi-Fi. Expression. All free.” The Indianapolis Art Museum had a surprisingly captivating entrance exhibit, a pleasant garden (though not on par with Kansas City’s…holy shuttle cock is that place cool), and a great museum space. And it was free.

But what to do next? I concocted a high brow/low brow mix of Weezer, K’naan, and The Hold Steady and whisked myself to Columbus, IN. I always remembered Columbus as having enslaved Hispaniola, but apparently he liked to leave his name in random cities across the Midwest, too. What a guy.

Columbus is billed as one of the architecture capitols of the country. Silly, Columbus, how many words shall I waste on describing you? In haiku:

If this is the best photo I got from a city know for architecture, you know we have problems

 

 

Big name architects

Build mildly impressive things

If this is the best photo I got from a city know for architecture, you know we have problems

Little town too proud


 

 

Or perhaps hyper-condensed: Cummins Diesel, unlikely benefactors, promotes architecture, hires famous dudes, receives middling modern design.

You above-average town, Columbus, cities laugh at your insignificance. I guess some things are just oversold. Nothing against the good people there.

Returning to Indy near dark, I caught a few wistful hours walking the canal downtown. Gouging a non-functional waterway down the main artery of your city seems all the rage with town planners these days. Indianapolis has had one for awhile. Seoul, SK has Cheonggyecheon, this goofy canal they claim is a “reclaimed river.” Omaha has the grand Gene Leahy Mall. I know I’ve see other ones recently. Really, I have. Faithful readers (all 3 of you), help me out here.

My unlikely next stop was a city that definitely does not have a central waterway. Or anything else, really. Gurnee, IL, is home to Melysa’s parents.

[Melysa is my traveling companion, car benefactor, and reluctant editor. She is currently on strike after being written out of the previous post (watch as I annoy her by continuing to use the first person singular in the following paragraphs).]

Not much to see in Gurnee unless you are doing a report on the evolving state of the strip mall. Although, it did provide a launching pad to Milwaukee, a city I’ve maintained a strange fascination with through the years.

See, see how fun Milwaukee is? Alright, I’ll admit that I have a strange fascination with incredibly inane, repetitive video. You might not agree, which is why this is probably the most boring thing ever filmed. Shush you! Behold, moving pictures and light!

Seriously, though, Brew City did not let me down. I began at Miller Valley, the amusing name bestowed upon the five city blocks and slight topographical depression that make up the mammoth Miller Brewery. Anyone in the area should go for the promotional video alone. It begins the tour, and makes frequent and enthusiastic use of the phrase, “It’s Miller Time!” It’s probably the most un-ironic thing ever made (with apologies to interviews of Val Kilmer and Spencer Pratt, most of Lorenzo Lamas’ career, and any Bruce Springsteen song with the word engines in it), and generally views like a 15 minute Viagra commercial. Overall, sweet tour.

And by the time I finished off three samples and two of my driver/editors, it was Miller time. So, because its Milwaukee, I headed to another brewery, intending to do another tour.

Then, Lakefront Brewery made my day.

For whatever reason, I ran into a lot of Wisconsinites during my year teaching in South Korea. It makes perfect sense if you don’t think about it. All the cheeseheads raved about “Friday Fish.”

Friday Fish is the tradition of town-wide fish fries in order to observe Lent, or clear stock for the weekend, or…something. I had attached to it as something I had to do in Winconsin, and had the good fortune of accidentally making my way to a brewery serving a heaping plate of fried shrimp, cod, bluegill, and perch. Life was good.

On to Miller Park, a buzz-sustainer of a ball field, and a fine close to an evening. The Brewers’ stadium is a good representation of what baseball still can be in America. By chance, I had been to the new Yankee Stadium just the week before. The Yanks are my team, but the new stadium is such an antiseptic monument to excess, it’s hard to like it. If I was super rich, it’d probably be great, but until then, give me the cheap tickets, easy parking, and family appeal of Miller Park. It’s an absolutely beautiful stadium, as well, not to mention the home of the infamous sausage races.

A gluttonous day in Milwaukee complete, it was soon time to head back to Gurnee, void the Civic’s bowels of the last of the unnecessary luggage, and mentally prepare for the journey across Iowa to Omaha. Being totally gay for Kevin Costner, I also can’t wait to see a certain baseball inspired cornfield. Soon, I’ll finally make it to my adopted Nebraska home. That’s a good thing.

Continue on to Part 3 of The Lord of the Omaha Trilogy…

This Is Just a Tribute

What do Rolling Stone, Spin, (the sadly defunct) Blender, and even Tenacious D all have in common? They’ve all spilled a lot of ink trying to crown the Greatest Song of All-Time. Losers. The greatest song ever recorded, in fact, the single greatest thing to ever happen to humans, is Luciano Pavarotti’s performance of Nessun dorma from the opera, Turandot.

Turandot was Italian opera master Giacomo Puccini’s final work. Performed posthumously, it was first voiced in 1926 by members of Green Day. It came out after American Idiot. I think. Either way, it would be Pavarotti that would make Nessun dorma supa’ famous as the theme to Italy’s 1990 World Cup.

Pavarotti, whom I like to call The Round Mound of Sound, can be identified as the only morbidly obese member of the famous Three Tenors. He looks like Dom DeLuise in a penguin costume. Not a sexy answer for any Greatest of All-Time discussion. But the man can sing.

Onyx + Okkervil River are often seen eating fallafel together. With guns.

Onyx + Okkervil River are often seen eating fallafel together. With guns.

This is not a choice in defense of opera, either. Depending on my mood, I’m more likely to listen to Onyx or Okkervil River than opera. Simply put, Pavarotti’s Nessun dorma is the greatest and best song in the world because when Pavarotti is done singing it, he will eat you. Alive.

The songs builds slowly, and I always get swept up by its propulsive optimistic beat. It smells like heroism and winnage. I can imagine Matthew Broderick in Glory listening to this on his iPod, right before he dies trying to take over Ft. Wagner by himself. He dies. But Nessun dorma lives on!

At around 2:20 into the video, the camera closes in on our star. Watch his mouth quiver, shaping the notes. His eyebrows remain pensive, troubled by his character’s secret in the cold twilight of a sleepless night. I’m touched.

It’s not until about 2:50 into the video that Pavs really unleashes the money shot. He pauses, digging deep into some repressed childhood priest memory and belts out a thunderous note. Yet, his face says, “I have no idea how I got here.”

Me: “Pavs, it’s OK man, you took some bad acid before you went up on stage.”

Pavs: “I’m going to kill all of you with any available object, even a lint roller.”

While releasing his famed high C’s, he fashions the kind of face people make when they’re passing kidney stones. In fact, it’s worse: he looks someone who just walked in on their 2nd grade school teacher being felt up by the janitor.

And then, in his moment of greatest glory (making his face, being a pimp, etc.)…he stops. Coincidentally, Peter North has done this many, many times, and there is absolutely no way I can link to it.

Pavs looks like he’s about to go for more when…well…I don’t know what happens. Maybe his butt cheeks unclench or something, but he looks around like, “What the hell have I done. What in God’s name have I just done.”

Shock. Realization. This is his greatest moment in the Greatest Song of All Time. This is the face that invented fire and sake bombs and Bacon Maple donuts and everything good in the world. He can’t even believe himself. If he started to magnetically levitate, no one in the audience would be surprised.

It’s a great face.

Mind you, Pavarotti is not the only person to demo this face. Eric Cantona, whose French national side failed to qualify for that fateful 1990 World Cup, has also tried it on. Cantona, who’s arguably more famous for charging into the stands Artest style to kung-fu kick a fan (leading to perhaps the greatest seagull related non sequitur ever*) than anything he ever did on the pitch, tried the face on often in the mid 90s.

Note how much he enjoys what he has just done. His self-satisfaction borders on tumescence. As he pans the audience, I imagine he is scanning for attractive female fans. Making eye contact with his ogling could pass for coitus in some African cultures.

So, obviously the greatest and best and most wonderful thing to ever happen, which coincidentally would probably end the world, would be a staring contest between Pavarotti (in the silence following the final notes of his last pre-death aria) and Eric Cantona (seconds after scoring the winning goal of the Champions League on a free kick from 75 yards).

Their gaze would lock, eyes bulging with an inflated sense of self-importance. With corneas aligned, they would share in the surmount of implacable odds, like Vulcans stuck in a mind meld, feasting on the surfeit of self-aggrandized blandishments.

Then they would probably start making out.

And though I never saw it, Wikipedia tells me the song was used in Bend It Like Beckham. So…there’s that.

*So, a reporter asks Cantona how’s he going to deal with the increased scrutiny that comes with assaulting a fan on the field. Cantona pauses, takes a sip of water, and in his heavy French accent responds, “Sometimes, when the seagulls follow the trawler, it is because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea,” before getting up and ending the press conference after one question. Return…

The Road to Omaha: Part 1

The Road to Omaha statue outside of Rosenblatt

There is a famous statue called the Road to Omaha. It sits outside of Rosenblatt Stadium, the site of the College World Series, in timeless bronze, a monument to winning, losing, and baseball. I saw the statue on my last visit to Omaha. I’ll see it again on my next.

I first wrote about the statue while still living in New Jersey, as one of my earliest pieces for Omaha.net. As co-developer of the site, it was decided that I should live there, and thus I have begun my own Road to Omaha, in the form of a 2-3 month extended visit. As Thompson would say: I’m on a savage journey into the heart of America.

To be honest, though, I’m traveling Hunter S.-lite, replacing the case of uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers with a large, excessively-caffeinated iced coffee and a pouch of Red Man® Chewing Tobacco (America’s Best Chew®). No bat sightings so far, but the tips of my fingers are exhibiting a dull tingle.

To explain: I don’t smoke, and I don’t dip, and no one snuffs anymore (or even knows anyone that does), but I do chew. I consume one pouch per three years, on any extended road trip that passes through a state with cheap tobacco products. I do it because chewing reminds me of my friend Jon, the only chemist I know that wears a cowboy hat. Chewing takes me back to a dark stretch of Georgia highway, fields of Kentucky Bluegrass, the Jack Daniel’s distillery, and the nights of a reckless, Kerouac-aping roadtrip fueled on sleepless, youthful idealism. Whew.

Now Omaha bound, I loaded my iPod with Wavves, a band whose lyrical tropes (boredom, death) and sound quality (noise) seem most appropriate for the straight shot on 80-West through Pennsylvania. Their album would be a lot better if it was shorter. I think the same about my drive.

Interspersed with Wavves, Bon Iver, and Frightened Rabbit, is an audiobook, Free: The Future of a Radical Price, about restructuring prices through the marginal economics of the internet. Apropos for this blog and Omaha.net, the book outlines why people are increasingly giving things away to increase their profit margins.

As I pull into Columbus, OH to stay the night with a newly engaged friend, my mind is reeling with the possibilities of making a career for myself on the internet. Indianapolis is the next stop, with a detour to another Columbus, an Indiana suburb, and unlikely epicenter for modern architecture through the Aegis of the Cummins Diesel Company. Hopefully, I’ll figure out how to be a .com millionaire by then.

Continue on to Part 2 of The Lord of the Omaha Trilogy…